I haven't been on this for like ages. Hmm i'm sorry i have neglected you over facebook, tumblr & what not. A lot has happened and been on my mind of course. But first I wanna share a blessing / burden that God has shown me... sorry ima sound like a little whiny girl... but whatevas So my sister and I used to fight a lot, but it's been like over a year since we did. basically we've both grown a lot (just in general as well as in God) but this one day. this one random day, for something so small. we both went buckwild. we were so blinded by our anger that we did not hear a thing each other was trying to say, but instead kept saying things that we knew would hurt each other. we tried to bring up past events and things that we knew would intentionally make the other mad. we kept going on and on for hours and finally, i broke down in tears. i haven't even cried like that in forever too. i usually cry when im reallly really frustrated/angry, and this was it. however, these tears did not stop our argument. so stupid.. it was over the phone too, so there i was at UCI apartments.. crying.. yelling.. arguing.. not letting go. Both of us refused to show any grace nor did we want to settle and end the neverending-going-nowhere-argument. I don't know how it happend, but we finally just dropped it and i kept crying. Then only later, I realized how UGLY we were. how sinful we are and how blind we are. We both knew it was going nowhere, but yet we coudln't let go. we had to WIN. we couldn't surrender nor let the other feel better at all. we brought up pasts, even things we knew we were done talkin about, things we knew would hurt the other A LOT. no mercy what so ever.
yup. two stubborn selfish lil immature girls. Through all this ugly madness, once again I realized God's sovereignty. I have been asking God to show me and remind me of His great love and grace that I so-called learned this past summer. I have been forgettin what kind of Father He is and what kind of undeserving love we are receiving. I know this argument-over-nothing happend for a reason and led me to really re-evaluate, to remember How He Loves Us So, even though we are so nasty. He forgave me of my sins and will continue to forgive my sins in the future. My sins are washed away through His blood, but why can't i even let go of such little things of this world? Why do i continue to love the world? Yet, He never lets go of me.
So Father God. Thank you soooo much for this grace and love that we absolutely do not deserve. Won't you continue to shape me and mold me. Lead me to the cross.
